NEWS ITEM Posted November 4th, 2011

“Madness and mayhem in Lamai”

In what can only be described as the closest thing to a visit to the chimpanzee enclosure at The Royal Perth Zoo, two SWINES, Cap’n Squall and Dolly Solley attended a barbeque hosted by The Lamai Chamber of Commerce to celebrate Big Roy’s success in duping the U.S. government to increase AND backdate his military pension.

Set in the garden of Roger the Cad’s residence, the party began nicely enough with muted greetings and the soft clink of glasses as beers and wines were consumed at midday.

The marquee was set in a windless zone, so batteries of fans were set up which immediately had the Chamber quarrelling over how and where to place them At 2pm Roger began the laying out of vast platters of food and cook it yourself only the best choice of imported steaks on his hot rocks barbie.

The first pangs of unease came at 3pm when Swampy and Manchester Bill began singing Hotel California and plunging back into the past ways with many “Do you remember when.......”?

Also by now Big Roy, drifting between bouts of sit up sleep and shouting American Football jargon, Jersey Mike yelling and laughing at his own jokes and Patrick having emptied his flagon of homemade moonshine began screaming about UK Immigration policies and banging the table with his fists.

By 3.30pm the entire ten members Chamber were shouting to be heard with Patrick becoming ever louder and now Jersey Mike screaming (pointing to Patrick) “Have you ever seen this twat being invited to my house”?

At 4pm and the BBQ in an uproar, this scribe quietly backed away to return to the silence of Chaweng Beach with it’s cool breezes and bikinis.

Winetasting 98 October 2011

Postponed Winetasting No.98 from last Saturday because of rain was held Wednesday 26th at The Jungle Club, Chaweng Noi and three trucks with 9 SWINES met at the bottom of Chaweng Hills and headed up the steep climb to the site.

Khun Id the owner graciously permitted the SWINES to lay out their generous array of cheeses, breads and pasta and wines and even supplied plates and cutlery and heated up Andrea’s lasagne.

Black humour seemed to be the tone of the day with Bob remarking “when Squall gets cremated at the local temple a toxic cloud warning will be issued for Chaweng”, the sommelier was called a “cloth eared bitch” for not knowing the Thai for number five and Howard offering to give someone a “pearl necklace”.

Six wines were tasted with Adrian’s (Alien) CARMEN, a Baht 360 Merlot from Chile taking 1st place and oddly, another Chilean Merlot ARESTI scoring last but priced at Baht 890.

With ten new bungalows for rent, anyone who wants a quiet holiday should take a look at The Jungle Club.

Another Letter to SWINES

John - some words for Saturday that you suggested could be written for the website SWINES was 'cancelled' on Saturday due to the weather - 'why' was asked later.

Squall advised that 'its because we won't be able to see the view'. It was thought that we were meant to be tasting wines - still Saturday evening - Squall/Alien and Howard met other Swines in Lamai for the boxing/pizza Squall (I'll never buy an automatic) was upsetting Howard by changing gear in his new, er, 'automatic' truck.

'Get your bleeping hands off the gear lever Squall' shouts Howard 'Oh - just bleep off will you - I don't need lessons in how to drive' remarked Squall.

A great evening of Pizza/boxing and wine was had by all The new date for the SWINES - Tuesday - ah then amended to Wednesday No doubt more on that later

A LETTER TO THE SWINES - OCTOBER 2011

Dear John,

Just a line to thank you so much for your wonderful welcome to Ko Samui. The SWINES made the whole trip worthwhile. One day we'll be back. Without the 'Tradewinds' dock we'd have been lost souls.

Do pass on our best to (in no particular order) to John II, Bob, Sylvia, Andrea, Alan, Alec, Howard, the team from Freewind (we really hope it really is "just scratches") and anyone else we've (characteristically) forgotten.

Kari and Aslaug have a flash website, as you know. Alas, we're far too old fashioned to get involved in all that sort of thing. Instead we write a letter to family and friends every Christmas. Attached is last year's version. Act now and you can stop the 2011 version thudding into your inbox.

We had no dramas on the way to Perhentian. Just the usual weirdo fishing boat lights. Someone should do a Phd.

Yours aye,

Patrick & Elizabeth (Yacht Labarque)

Winetasting No. 97, 7 October 2011

Tasting no.97 was hosted by Bob and Sylvia in their villa with spectacular views over Chaweng Bay at Samui Mountain Village.

It was also a farewell for our cruising friends from Lady Ann and LaBarque who depart for Singapore on Saturday.

Gifts from Iceland

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Winetasting No. 96 September 2011

Big John and Nick going for the dregs

No less than sixteen SWINES assembled on the S/Y LaBarque ( see Scuttlebutt ) for the 96th Winetasting, the cockpit with all the boys and the ladies down in the saloon.

Captain Solley scored 2nd

Ten wines were sampled with our Comptroller Sylvia passing the numbered and wrapped bottles up from the saloon and the gents pouring at the cockpit table.

Crewgirls looking down on the SWINES

Five crew from the local yacht Free Wind arrived in time for Bottle no. 2 but by then Squall had broken the first glass.

Decanting a bad wine

The unfinished wines were stashed above on the roof and by Bottle no. 5 the boat rolled a little bringing them down and smattering the white paint and soaking the pillows ( Squall again ).

Happy couples all

The girls were doing a great job down below passing up plates of snacks with the highlight being Brie with cranberries.

Howard at his first SWINES

Six nationalities were present, Thai, British, French, Australia, Iceland and U.S.A. with nine sailors from yachts in the bay ( LaBarque, Lady Ann, Phryne 11 & Free Wind ), sadly the Countess missed this one.

Late arrivals

The winning wine was from California again Bliss a Cab Sav 2008 and just four SWINES scored it top, Mick, Sylvia, Patrick and Maureen.

Patrick, owner of La Barque, our host

2nd place was Vista Flor from Argentina, priced just Baht 380 brought by Capt. Solley and 3rd Morande Pianero a Merlot from Chile.

No doubt as to the worst wine, 10 SWINES scored it last, a PiccodelSole Cannonau from Sardinia. Again many thanks to Patrick and Elizabeth for the hospitality.

The boat rolled and then.....

Yachts out front

The Wines Sampled

Winetasting No. 95 September 2011

Winetasting No. 95 was to be held at the mountain view above Mae Nam and so 3 4WD pickups with ten SWINES which included the owners of the two visiting cruising yachts (see Scuttlebutt) headed up the new new road at Soi 1, Mae Nam.

Just as we arrived the black clouds opened up with driving winds and rain. The smart ones stayed in their vehicles being warm and comfortable with a supply of beer and snacks.

As the rain seemed to sock in, at 3pm it was decided to head for Tradewinds and hold the tasting in the restaurant.

Seven wines were tasted and two dead heated for first, A Pinot Noir 2008 YERING and the 2009 red Voorspoed and the Cab. Sav. ARRESTI coming third.

Only Squall and Andrea correctly picked the joint winners with the two lady yachties Aslaug and Elizabeth each picking one winner.

Our guests from Iceland remarked on one of Andrea’s cheeses smelling like an Icelandic delicacy, “rotting fermented shark”.

As darkness fell most people snuck back home while our scorer Sylvia, Andrea and Capt. Solley stayed beyond closing time.

Patrick kindly invited the SWINES to hold Winetasting 96 on their yacht La Barque next Wednesday September 28th

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Wine Tasting No. 94 September 10 2011

Wine Tasting No. 94 was held at Valley View Restaurant owned by schoolteacher Khun Oh and his lovely wife Sheree.

Situated on the edge of a hill with sweeping views over the rice plains, this was a first for the eight SWINES who settled in to judge the seven wines on offer ( again Andrea inexplicably scored eight on her scoresheet ).

Top scorer was a Francis Ford Coppola from California, correctly picked by both Bob and Sylvia, but only separated by one point by a 30 Mile shiraz from Australia and well clear of third placed Las Condes from Chile.

Once again our MOTEL’s (Masters Of The English Language) were in form with Bill uttering the word “parenthesis” bringing a gasp from Capt. Solley who recovered quickly by quoting some poetic text on how the Muslims are called to prayer at Medina.

Thanks to Sylvia’s meticulous scoring and recording skills, for the first time in 94 tastings, a clear and legible final scoresheet emerged, although it almost came off the rails when John B. began numbering the bottles before being produced at the start.

Finishing off with a round of cleansing ales, Dolly Solly then treated us to the vagaries of the English language by explaining how the sentence “ I never said she killed her mother “ can have seven different meanings when the emphasis is placed on each word separately. This brought no response from Bill as he accepted defeat for the day.

SWINES winetasting no.93 was held at TradeWinds as it was to be accompanied by classical music provided by Capt. Solley’s computerized boom box.

It proved so effective, the operas of Verdi and Carmen had the Italian customers straightening their backs, all the beach dogs formed a circle around the table, convoys of muslim fishing boats pulled up on the beach and even dozens of squirrels listened from the trees and roofs.

As usual Countess Andrea supplied a generous array of cheeses, breads and salad while Tradewinds offered a fine Pasta Arabiata.

 As if to complement this highbrow occasion, Bill was slipping in words like “genre” and “frontispiece” which left Dolly gasping in admiration. Squall, determined to win this classic day provided a Bin 888 Wyndhams Estate, but alas it only finished 3rd with 115 points.

The winner with 134 pts out of a possible 160 was a Paso Sol from Chile, closely followed by a Millers Mile of Sth. Africa

It was decided to use SWINES tasting No. 92 as a recce on the new concrete road from Mae Nam to Lamai so two 4WD trucks headed North and on to Mae Nam Soi 1.

As we headed up and up it was apparent that NO skilled road engineers had been involved, as landslides covered many parts of the road and in one place, the valley had just been filled in between two hills and cemented over ! After 15 minutes and still on the ascent, Alec veered off road onto a dirt track which led to knoll and leafy flat section with spectacular views North to Koh Phangan.

A Burmese farmer and his wife appeared and set out some tables and chairs besides what appeared to be foundations for a future restaurant. s.

Surrounded by jackfruit and durian trees the SWINES set out their lunch where Alec saved the day (“today beer only please”) and conjured up two superb red wines and Capt. Solley a mini red in a strange little bottle labelled “Smirnoff Ice”.

At 3.30pm it was decided to attempt the complete traverse another day and we back tracked back to Mae Nam where Alec led us to a bar with a pool table and cold beer

Dolly's Mini Red

Winetasting Tour 92 as seen from another's eyes

As a newcommer to the highly exclusive and prestigious "SWINES" I was asked to make a comment on the last "tasting" Well! what can I say, if anybody invites me what can they expect, it seems to have taken me only three invites to bring this elite gathering down to the depths of despair. On my previous invitations I was privy to quality wines consumed in glassware befitting the the occasion.

A gourmet buffet, a bevy of beautiful ladies all from a vineyard background and the elite of the island engaging in good old jolly intellectual banter. On my third visit, it has come down to this. The ladies recieved an invite from the Mont Clair spitting championships in Bangrak and chose to take it. One elite member felt completely at home with a discarded Bacardi Breezer bottle refilled with "red stuff" but to make amends conjured up a jar of containing a thimble full of oil and balsamic!

One gentleman who was peviously blackballed, was reinvited to make the numbers up. One gentleman consumed this limited supply of the grape from a Singha can. All I can say these were the highlights and it went downhill from there, marvellous!

Billy no mates

6 AUGUST 2011

The Kiwi attempts to switch his soggy score sheet to an apprehensive Alan

Winetasting 91 featured three Australian, two Chilean and a French entry and in tribute to the SWINES palates, two identical wines scored 1st and 2nd.

Bon Vivant and Raconteur Tim Davis

This was a Penfolds Special Release from Oz while another Australian red, The Pump brought by Squall, was scored last. After setting up in the SWINES mountain sala, the canapes were served by special guest Elizabeth an opera singer from Holland.

Berndt and the lovely Elizabeth

She and partner Berndt from Germany were guests of Bill of Samui Mountain Village who seems to be enjoying full occupancy while the 3 star resorts are struggling with an average of 3%. Before the first wine was sampled, Bon Vivant Tim Davis, a Kiwi, carelessly spilt his cleansing ale across his score sheet as he began showing imbalance at the 600 m. altitude.

Wine stained shirt again (Squall’s)

The remaining wine was then carried down to sea level where at wine no. 4, Elizabeth managed to topple a glass, splashing Ollie and Squall with a rich red but she was forgiven, not only for her lovely blue eyes, but she had also saved the day earlier by producing our only bottle opener. Another good day with very little planning and a mix of five nationalities and great scenery.

JULY 29 2011

Alec duly arrived with his mate John at Tradewinds and it was decided to take both 4WD’s as there was likely to be a surfeit of ladies.

On the way to Lamai, a heavy thunderstorm struck and with the low lying clouds it was decided to avoid the mountain and head for the SWINES private beach at Ban Talay. Newcomer Roger from the Lamai chamber of Commerce got off to a bad start when he presented an opened bottle of Peter Vella (from 7/11) but this was tolerated when he produced a plate of excellent French rolls.

One of the new lady guests, Lek, while sampling a glass, was making all the right actions and comments and after filling in her score sheet with a “Mmm... wine number three definitely has the best nose” the SWINES were gobsmacked. It transpired that she use to work for Italasia, a wine distributor and even drove her own limmo !

During the tastings Captain Solley was so engaged with his new camera and telephone he missed the antics of his wily mate Roger whose only interest seemed to be interviewing each of the ladies by inviting them to move next to him where the petting began.

As usual Alec produced his trick list and it was while everyone was engrossed they missed the serious groping going on between Lek and Squall which resulted in the latter having to retire to the bench to conceal the bulge in his shorts.

Once again the South African shiraz scored first and it was during the scoring that the guest Roger suddenly rose and left for his car, dragging one of the girls with him with the lame excuse of having to go meet his Lamai mates for sundowners. The SWINES lost no time in voting him a black ball, especially as there was no thank you or goodbyes uttered.

JULY 2011

JUNE 16 2011